The Pain of Loss

One acquires friends for several reasons. But to me the most important is to share the joys and burdens of living in an imperfect world. If we had to carry all our own baggage alone, it would be hard sometimes to look up into the light rather than only seeing the plodding step below us.

A good friend is right now in pain for the loss of a close loved one. Intellectually we all know that one day we will die from this life, but that doesn't make the impact of its reality any less when it comes into our world through such a loss.

Friendship gives us each a part of that suffering even if we aren't present at the event. Our empathetic feelings cause us to ponder on the wonders and vagaries of life and a desire to reach out a hand to lift off the sadness of our friends. It seems so unfair when wonderful and kind people or innocent children pass into the beyond. But friends become all the more important to temporarily gather in to the space that has opened as an abyss to the sufferer of the loss.

My friend, Hendel, has suddenly lost her beloved mother. She is now focusing on the nature of the life they shared as parent and offspring. Memories not revealed over the passing years are now the substance of the present.

We somehow feel that recalling past thoughts will cause the image of the loved one to be real. It seems that we fear that if we don't relive our images of the person that they will disappear too swiftly, like losing a fine jewel into a stream and can never be found again.

The question arises as to why do or should we mourn a loss of a loved one. I have come to feel after losing a son in a sudden death that without passing through that experience I would never be able to truly be the kind of friend that is needed at such a time. My own loss could actually help another person find their way back from that abyss of the unknown.

While it is true that each person feels uniquely their own pains of mourning, it is also true that confidence in the sharing of another increases when they too have experienced a personal death transition. All of us need to know that the person trying to console us has felt similar pain and thought similar thoughts, but managed to come out on the other side with only a scar on their heart and not a catastrophe.

I have also learned that while a person is in the throws of agony no consoling or encouragement will be of any value to the mourner. What can be extremely valuable is that a friend stands nearby and waits for the trembling hand to be extended for support. That is when we can contribute to their life and recovery. For this is the opportunity to stand in the place of the invisible arm of the Creator to surround them with the warmth of a parent's love.

We have to take on faith that the one who has passed on is also receiving that arm wrapped about their shoulders in the other realm. And they both will be waiting to receive us in our turn.

I will stand by for my friend. If she doesn't need a shoulder from me then I will be all the happier, because I will know that there have been enough friends before me who have lifted some of the burden.

I look forward to the next opportunity to troop together while we continue our days of learning.