The Angel I Married!

A few days ago I took stock of a relationship that has survived for the past forty years with only a few real rough spots to blemish its path. Rough places are to be expected though in any healthy union, because people are dynamic and constantly changing emotionally and physically. But what is not so common these days is an on-going relationship. Most people seem to have trouble determining how to maintain a long companionship.
I think the best way to identify the formula for marriage success is to summarize the path followed during those years to observe the mileposts.
The first marker is where one encounters a potential partner. In my case it was with a church youth group night of preparing Christmas baskets for less fortunate families. We were at a very fine home of one of our counselors in Pasadena, California. I was a volunteer representing a congregation in South Pasadena and she was a board member from Temple City. She also was the first person I had encountered with a permanent physical handicap. I learned some time later that she had survived a serious auto accident which kept her hospitalized for the better part of a year in Children's Hospital. She endured suspension in a Foster frame and two major spinal surgeries. The doctors speculated that the nature of her paraplegia might keep her in a bed the rest of her life, but she was determined to prove that idea wrong.
Sandra had a captivating smile and exuded confidence that could be felt by all. This explained why she was on the directing board. She had completed her secondary schooling and held down jobs to support herself. It appeared that her wheelchair was just a small inconvenience that she took in stride.
This particular evening she had brought a portable stereo record player and her collection of albums to provide a background for our packaging work. She had it set up in the livingroom near a fireplace. While most of us were working in the dining area that turned right from the livingroom, she was carrying on lively conversations with friends and sorting records.
I had met Sandra briefly in our organizational duties, but never was attracted to her, perhaps due to feeling awkward around the unfamiliar wheelchair. But this night something strange happened. Each time I looked up from my task and saw her in the other room I heard... or thought... or felt a voice inside my mind saying to me, "Go get acquainted."
I appreciate that many will suspect that my mind was just playing tricks on me, and that I just really wanted to get to know her. If that were the case I don't think I would have acted as I then did. My response was to ask myself why I was thinking these words. I shook off the thought and went about my work. But some time later in the evening I happened again to look at Sandra from the other room, and exactly the same mental voice made the same statement again. Now, I was really concerned that something was wrong, so I headed to the farthest end of the dining area which was the kitchen and tried to divert myself with conversation with other volunteers. That seemed to work for a while.
Eventually I drifted near the adjoining room once more about an hour into the evening. And no sooner than I saw Sandra again, the voice said exactly the same words in my head. Now I realized that if I wanted to relieve myself of this re-occurring phenomenon I would have to do as the voice instructed.
I put down my work and headed over to formally introduce myself to her. Immediately we engaged in a lively conversation that took up the rest of the evening. In fact, before departing for our homes that night we had made joking remarks that our views were so related that perhaps we should be married. Can you believe that!
I spent the next few days delaying to contact Sandra as I had promised her that night. I made excuses in my mind that perhaps if things didn't work out between us as friends she might take it harder than a person without a handicap. You know, kind of the way people talk louder around a blind person... how ridiculous!
It may also have been due to the fact that I had just broken up from a long term relationship with another girl, and didn't want to start another one until after returning from a planned two year mission I was soon to start that would take me away from home and anyone I became involved with.
Well, I finally relented and called her for a date. She expressed her concern that I had not gotten back to her for a while, but she was glad to be together again and getting to know one another. I made it clear that I would be leaving in a few months for a couple of years, but that didn't deter us having fun with friends and going on outings until that day. It didn't take long to realize that I didn't want our relationship to end... not ever!
I finally got up the courage to ask for her commitment to an engagement. We both knew that these agreements were seldom fulfilled in the time apart, and most of our friends reported that they wrote "Dear John" and "Dear Jane" letters and later married other people.
This was also when I learned that Sandra had previously been engaged once before to a fellow who left her behind. The fact that she was willing to face this again told me something about our true feelings for one another. We seemed bound to be a couple. She never experienced any voice telling her about us, but she somehow knew that we really were not strangers meeting for the first time in this world.
It was a hardship to be apart for two long years, but I took hidden pleasure in the reactions of my companions when they saw our relationship lasting while they got the standard parting letters from home.
Now I don't want to give the idea that we were some kind of special soul mates predestined to meet, but we met in the right circumstances for establishing trust. Too many people today find themselves, as the song says, "Looking for love in all the wrong places." All anyone needs to do is take a look at the surroundings in which they are expecting to find a companion. If one thinks a nightclub or bar is a great spot to find someone to trust, think again. Any form of impairment masks out the true character of the other person. A trustworthy person has to be observed in a sober and natural environment. If you think I am making this up, my wife's father was married unsuccessfully five times. He met and married women he found in showy environments and he treated them like trophies. In their real world every-day association they never connected their hearts by establishing genuine trust. (Note-1: Where a relationship starts can add or detract from the trust needed to support its future success.)
We had the assurance that taking this risk of time apart would only build the strength of our feelings for each other. There was never a more exciting day than the one when I stepped off that plane and caught the shuttle to Pasadena and home to Sandra. We were married August 2, 1969, in the Los Angeles Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with a sealed commitment that if we lived for each other and worked together that we would always be together. (Note-2: Time spent together without deep sexual involvement prior to a formal commitment (i.e., marriage) tests the confidence in the relationship's ability to withstand abrasive and corruptive influences that will be encountered during its lifetime.)

I watched and learned through the times of the births of our four children how feelings caused pain when we drew apart from each other, and how good it was to find a way back into each other's trust and loving arms. Most importantly, I learned that whenever my viewpoint included only my own desires was when I experienced the greatest sadness and disappointment. As soon as I started making Sandra my primary concern and focused on her and the family's needs, I found a fountain of comfort and warmth that rose up from somewhere inside and at times brought almost overwhelming feelings of joy and tears. (Note-3: When focus remains on the companion, all other things will take care of themselves and fulfillment of personal needs will come unbidden.)Now that these four decades have passed between us, I can testify to the value of lifelong commitments in marriage. I would never have progressed in knowledge and spiritual growth without the trials of working together to support the lives of others above my personal desires. I came to understand why the loss of a family union can be so destructive to children who need and want nurturing and a true concept of "home". I've heard it said that if two people can't seem to get along they should split up and remake their lives. Many feel that this is the only solution and will undertake it even if there are children involved. I can assure anyone that even a poor parental relationship (as long as it is not abusive) is better than no relationship when it comes to children. I know this because I have lived long enough to witness what happens to families that make a sincere effort to re-establish lost love. I know trust can be re-established if a truly willing effort is given by both parties who seek support and guidance together. It is often stronger than their original relationship and binds their children closer to that home. (Note-4: It is NEVER too late with honest people to bring back what they believe has been lost. There are no guarantees and it is the hardest work anyone can do in life, but it is worth the sweat and tears required in payment!)

Now, my sweetheart and I are approaching the difficulties of age. We have endured the death of one of our children, and watched the growing pains of the others. Sandra is dependent more than ever on me to care for her failing body. She has always done such beautiful hand stitching, but now her eyes are failing from diabetes. The persistent pains from her spinal injury have increased with the years. Recently, her kidneys have started to give up, and will soon lead to dialysis. She now has a medicine cabinet that looks like a drug store. She used to get herself up and into a manual wheelchair with just the use of her arms, but now with arthritis and damaged shoulder joints she can't even get into her powerchair from the bed on her own.
I mention all of this not for sympathy, but to show that the time we learned together is now paying off in our ability to trust and support each other in dealing with these trials. We both now see a new future ahead where we can put all these discomforts aside to enjoy each other in an eternal youth. This confidence comes as a gift for the trust we placed in each other over these forty years together.
Even when one of us leaves ahead of the other, we are comforted in knowing another meeting is assured. This is not something one can teach an observer or convince by preaching. It can only come to those who are willing to seek joy over pleasure and have the courage to trust when others doubt. (Final Note-5: You don't have to experience everything to have it all. What you do without for the sake of another will be rewarded to you in ways you cannot comprehend. The only price is endurance to the end.)
May all who read this take the time to appreciate more what they have and not so much what they think they don't have.