Mortality

I find myself sitting at the computer after 5 AM unable to find sleep again. Sandy needed to be moved to her side to relieve pressure from some wounds that are starting to worsen now that she is becoming unable to move herself even a little. This needs to be done at least every four hours. Her cancer and the morphine is quickly making it difficult to communicate with her, so I have to watch her reactions to my moving her in the hospital bed to see when she is comfortable or needs medication.

How did we get here so quickly? This question keeps running through my mind tonight. It's only been a few
weeks ago that I brought her home from the University of Washington Hospital with the prognosis that she might have six months remaining. We were planning that she could make it through Christmas so the children and their families wouldn't remember this time with sadness instead of joy.

I got all the family together on Monday evening after returning from the dialysis clinic. It had taken a major effort to get her dressed, in the car and then into the dialysis chair with a Hoyer lift that morning. When she was all snuggled under her blankets and ready to hook up they told us that her blood pressure was so low that it was too dangerous to dialyze. I had been hoping that if we could filter off the morphine in her system that she would be able to be rid of the lethargy that had set in from a weekend of no treatment. It had worked the Monday before, and she had been functioning almost normally that week with regular dialysis sessions.

It became obvious that this was the moment we had been dreading, that she would be unable to make it to more sessions and would be starting the process of truly dying.

I let the children know that if they wanted to spend some time with their mom while she could still respond to them that they should visit now or as soon as possible, because the rapid progress of the tumor and her meds were going to put her in a mental mist quite soon. So we spent the evening visiting around her. We told stories and laughed with her. But everyone could see what was taking place with her attention, so there were also lots of tears and tissues passed around. Our bishop dropped by accidentally to deliver a package I had requested earlier in the week. It was so good to have everyone around us with lots of hugging and supportive words.

But how did we get here so quickly?

Today, Tuesday, each of the daughters came by to visit. They too could see how Sandy was sliding deeper into herself and wanting to sleep. We had our first visit with the hospice social worker. Later the hospice nurse came by to dress the wounds and met the girls. When she left I asked one of the girls to stick around while I did some errands in town.

It was while crossing the trestle into Everett that I realized a personal significance of my question about the speed we were approaching Sandy's demise. I even mentioned it to a lady at the drive up teller window at the bank who has been a friend and serving us for years. "Sandy came to me just before Christmas over forty four years ago, and it looks like she will be leaving me in a similar time."

I'm not sure why the timing seems so significant, but it reminded me of how people still today refer to the fact that Mark Twain was born on the arrival of Halley's Comet and died on it's return. The timing seems to give the event special meaning and remembrance. Like the person was so special that a special event should accompany them in life.

Sandy and I were certainly brought together in a special way, so why shouldn't her trip Home be marked by a special event like Christmas season? Whether or not she leaves this life later or sooner, I will always remember how truly "special" she was not only to me, but to all the lives she touched with kindness and love.

Well, I'm finally growing weary, and might be able to find some more sleep in the next few hours before I need to move her again. So I finish this entry for my friends to know the sadness and hope I feel now, even if we have gotten here so quickly.

Keep your loved ones close and let them know you truly care. Time is nothing we can control. Goodnight.

There Must Always Be An Opposition In All Things

While reading a scriptural interpretive concern of a good friend tonight, it occurred to me that there is always another side to most every concept in this world. Not recognizing this can and does often lead to much misunderstanding and social confusion.

In my response to my friend I used the illustration of a coin having two different sides while remaining just one coin. This is referred to as duality. It can be a mental stretch to accept and visualize duality in relation to life, science and religion. But it is worth the effort to see beyond the immediate face of any idea or issue to find another side or view that may give completeness to the whole.

You will hear common phrases like, "Read between the lines" or "Look at it from another viewpoint." What I believe they are expressing is that there is always more to be found or learned if we look a little deeper... to the other side.

Unfortunately for most Western minds the concept of duality is not considered acceptable. We tend to be straight line thinkers. We go from A to B to C, etc. to reach a conclusion. For some reason we don't like to think outside the straight path. The very thought that we can approach ideas from other perspectives like say C to A to B, seems too disorganized for consideration. So we always demand a repeatable straight approach to a proof, and rather than look for other possible approaches (or sides), when not arriving at a result we will dump the whole approach and start over in another straight approach from a different starting point.

Eastern minds, on the other hand, seem to sense that all things exhibit more than one appearance (or side) that can be approached directly or indirectly to learn what it's present face reveals, but also what it's opposite face may show. They seem to accept that any thing or thought can be two (or more) things at the same time and place (a duality).

Scientists have for many years and presently are searching for a succinct and singular formula that will describe the entire universe. They are inspired by concepts like Einstein's E=mc² which opened numerous doors into understanding more about the universe. But even Einstein was unable in the remainder of his life to make any progress on the "unified theory".

Elemental concepts, like whether matter is energy or particles, remain unseparated to this day. There are whole schools of theorists in either camp. Those who believe everything is energy have developed quantum mechanical concepts like string theory which says everything is made of tiny vibrating strings of energy forming patterns that make up larger elements. While those who feel all things are made of particles keep trying to break elements down to smaller and smaller units.

Sadly they are wasting much time and skill pursuing a goal that cannot be accomplished with math or any other tool of science. They may finally some day realize that all they had to do was listen to the prophetic teachers of the ancient past who described that there must needs be an opposition in ALL things. If this were not so then true chaos would reign and all reality would collapse into oblivion.

On the other hand (or side), think of the progress to understanding the mechanics of the universe if we just accepted that duality IS the nature of all things. It is the very richness of being a sentient lifeform! So to truly unlock the universal secrets is as simple as allowing everything to have a dual nature, and to take that into account when using the tools of science, rather than fighting to rule it out.

It is so easy for people to accept the idea that while we have physical bodies that can be seen and felt they also contain separate internal spiritual bodies or force that causes them to be animated (living). This is definitely a duality of huge proportions! So why is it so far fetched for them to accept that there are immeasurable dualities making up the entire universe?


Well, it may just be another way that our Creator protects us from discovering more truths than we are ready to receive at this stage of our development. But the answers are available. They are kind of like Area 51 in that they are hidden in plain sight.

I look forward to the day when we are rejoined with our Father and begin the next stages of learning not only how everything works, but how we can use that knowledge to be creators also.


The picture of the jellyfish above is just a reminder that while an entity may look like a single thing it may actually be many things in one. How would men before science have ever understood that one animal could actually at the same time be many animals joining together? 

The Bane of Our Days

A Contemplation:

We are living in the prophesied time “when peace shall be taken from the earth”, when “all things shall be in commotion” and “men’s hearts shall fail them”. There are many temporal causes of commotion, including wars and natural disasters, but an even greater cause of current “commotion” is spiritual.

Viewing our surroundings through the lens of faith and with an eternal perspective, we see all around us a fulfillment of the prophecy that “the devil shall have power over his own dominion”. A hymn describes “the foe in countless numbers, / Marshaled in the ranks of sin”, and so it is.

Evil that used to be localized and covered like a boil is now legalized and paraded like a banner. The most fundamental roots and bulwarks of civilization are questioned or attacked. Nations disavow their religious heritage. Marriage and family responsibilities are discarded as impediments to personal indulgence. The movies and magazines and television that shape our attitudes are filled with stories or images that portray the children of God as predatory beasts or, at best, as trivial creations pursuing little more than personal pleasure. And too many of us accept this as entertainment.

The men and women who made epic sacrifices to combat evil regimes in the past were shaped by values that are disappearing from our public teaching. The good, the true, and the beautiful are being replaced by the no-good, the “whatever,” and the valueless fodder of personal whim. Not surprisingly, many of our youth and adults are caught up in pornography, pagan piercing of body parts, self-serving pleasure pursuits, dishonest behavior, revealing attire, foul language, and degrading sexual indulgence.

An increasing number of opinion leaders and followers deny the existence of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and revere only the gods of secularism. Many in positions of power and influence deny the right and wrong defined by divine decree. Even among those who profess to believe in right and wrong, there are “them that call evil good, and good evil” (Isa. 5:20). Many also deny individual responsibility and practice dependence on others, seeking, like the foolish virgins, to live on borrowed substance and borrowed light.

All of this is grievous in the sight of our Heavenly Father, who loves all of His children and forbids every practice that keeps any from returning to His presence.

These words were written in 2004, but they sound as fresh as if put down this very day.
Dallin H. Oaks, Apostle

Day of Gratitude

Much like Daniel, I have felt lately like my future was unknown and threatening. I've worked for over a month trying to get all our family health insurances in order, because my COBRA extension was running out. Sandy's treatments, while covered nearly 80% by Medicare, are unbelievably expensive. If I had to come up with the other 20%, our savings would be gone in short order.

Well, today the last hurdle seems to have been overcome. We got an automated phone message that Sandy's supplemental insurance has been approved and we should get her ID and packet in another week. What a relief!

I'm not quite sure why I so relieved since I still have to find the money to pay her premiums and my independent health premiums and still have enough to live on. But I'm grateful to know that if an emergency arises I can get Sandy or myself the care we need without loosing our home in the process.

There are still the lions of long term care and no dental coverage out there, but they seem so much less dangerous right now. Like Daniel, I put my faith in my Protector and live on the hope of His promises.

I also was blessed tonight to find my way back into this blog account. It allows me to have my place of self expression, and access to visiting the blogs of my close friends. Again, that this remains in tact is my hope and expectation.

My lions are less restless tonight!